Nova's Self-Defense against FRESH FRUIT
by Nova Forever
Summary: Modeled after the famous Monty Python sketch, Nova teaches a class about self-defense against fresh fruit. Curious? Then read it!


Hey! Yes I'm still alive. Just haven't had the opportunity to write in a while. But, now I am back and ready to write my next fic. It came to me when reading FuuMegami's story where Nova was a fruit seller. Since the love of Monty Python runs through my veins, I automatically associated fresh fruit with one of my favorite sketches called 'self defense'. So I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it!  
  
  
Nova's self defense against FRESH FRUIT!  
  
  
The scene begins with Hikaru, Umi, Fuu and Lantis standing in a gymnasium in front of Nova in military dress  
  
  
Nova Stamps up to her class. "Good evening class!"  
  
"Good evening!" yells the class, except Lantis who mumbles something about Eagle and his stupid dares.  
  
"Hmmm... Where are Caldina, Ferio and Lafarga?" yells Nova.  
  
"They aren't here!" calls out an over enthusiastic Hikaru.  
  
"I CAN SEE THAT!" screams Nova back at Hikaru. "What's the matter with them!?!"  
  
"Perhaps they have got the flu?" suggests Fuu.  
  
"Flu...FLU?!?" screams Nova. "They've eaten too much fresh fruit!!! *her neck twitches horribly  
"Right now! Self defense. Tonight we shall be carrying on from where I got to last session, when I was showing you how to defend yourself against anyone armed with a piece of FRESH FRUIT!"  
  
The class lets out a disappointed sigh.  
  
"You promised you wouldn't do fruit this week!" shrieked Umi.  
  
Nova turns to Umi. "What do you mean!?!"  
  
"We've done fruit for the last nine weeks sir!" said Fuu.  
  
Nova whips around to face Fuu. "What's wrong with FRUIT!?! You think you know it all EH?"  
  
Umi sighs. "But couldn't we do something else for a change?"  
  
"Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick!" calls out Lantis.  
  
Nova looks contemptuously at Lantis. "POINTED STICKS!?! Ho ho ho! We want to learn to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we??? Getting all high and mighty eh??? Oh well, well, well, I'll tell you something my friend. When you're walking home tonight and a homicidal maniac comes at you with a bunch of blueberries, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!!! Right! Now... the Passion fruit! When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit..."  
  
"We've done the passion fruit!" yells Umi.  
  
Nova faces Umi. "WHAT?"  
  
"We've done the passion fruit!" cries out Hikaru, with her usual energy.  
  
"We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit..." Umi starts.  
  
"Whole and segment," cuts in Fuu.  
  
"Pomegranates, greengages," continues Umi.  
  
"Grapes, Passion fruit," mentions Hikaru.  
  
"Lemons."  
  
"Don't forget the plums!" says Fuu.  
  
"Yes," continued Umi, "and mangos in syrup."  
  
Nova looks questioningly at the group. "How about cherries?"  
  
"We've done them!" cries the group.  
  
"Red AND black???" Nova yells at them.  
  
"YES!" yells Umi back at her.  
  
"All right then..." started Nova as she paced before the group, "BANANAS!!!"  
  
Umi groans.  
  
Nova smiles. "We haven't done them have we!?!"  
  
"No..." Fuu whimpers.  
  
Nova grins. "Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against an opponent armed with a banana!"  
  
Nova turns to Hikaru. "Here, take this," she calls as she throws the banana to her.  
  
"Now," Nova continues, "It's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend! FIRST, you drop him to drop the banana, next, You EAT the banana! Thus, disarming him. Now you have rendered him HELPLESS!"  
  
"What if he's got a bunch?" asks Umi.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Nova yells at her.  
  
"What if he's got a pointed stick?" asks Lantis.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Nova faces Hikaru. "Right! Now you Miss Honeydew!"  
  
"It's Hikaru," she replies.  
  
"Hikaru! Miss Hikaru," Nova repeats. "Come at me with that banana. Come on! Attack me with it! As hard as you like. Come on!"  
  
Hikaru comes at Nova rather half-heartedly.  
  
"NO NO NO!" yells Nova. "Put some heart into it! Hold the banana over your head menacingly. Scream. Now come on, come on... attack me! Come on, come on!"  
  
Hikaru runs toward Nova screaming and waving the banana. Nova pulls a revolver out of her pocket and shoots it at her. Hikaru falls to the ground quickly and Nova puts the revolver away.  
  
"Now, I EAT the banana!"  
  
As Nova munches on her banana, the class circles around Hikaru's body.  
  
"You shot her..." Lantis says with disbelief. "She's dead... dead. Completely dead... You shot her!"  
  
Nova polishes off the rest of her banana. "I have now eaten the banana! The deceased Miss Honeydew is now disarmed!"  
  
"But you shot Hikaru!" cried Umi. "You shot her dead!"  
  
"Well, she was attacking me with a banana!" Nova yells defensively.  
  
"You told Miss Hikaru to!" Fuu said.  
  
Nova shoved her face up to Fuu's. "Look, I'm only trying to do my job! I have to show you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit!"  
  
"And pointed sticks!" Lantis shouts out.  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Supposing someone comes at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?" Umi asks.  
  
"Run for it," answers Nova.  
  
"You could stand and scream for help," Fuu suggested.  
  
"YOU TRY THAT WITH A PINEAPPLE DOWN YOUR WINDPIPE!" screamed Nova.  
  
"A pineapple?" Umi asked incredulously.  
  
"AHH!" screamed Nova. "WHERE!?! WHERE!?!"  
  
"Nowhere. I was just saying pineapple."   
  
"Oh god, I thought my number was on that one," Nova sighed.  
  
"What?" asked Umi, " On the pineapple?"  
  
"WHERE!?! WHERE!?!"  
  
"Nowhere! I was just repeating it."  
  
"Oh!" exclaimed Nova. "Oh, right! That's the banana then. Next... the RASPBERRY!   
  
Nova walks toward the group with a raspberry. "Harmless looking thing, isn't it.  
  
Nova turns to Umi. "Now you, Miss Plum..."  
  
"Umi" said Fuu.  
  
"Miss Umi, come at me with that raspberry then. Be as vicious as you like with it."  
  
"No," Umi stated flatly.  
  
"WHAT? Why not?"  
  
"You'll shoot me," stated Umi.  
  
Nova glared at her. "I won't!"  
  
"You shot Hikaru."  
  
"That was self-defense," Nova pleaded, "Come on, I promise I won't shoot you."  
  
"You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks," Lantis said.  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Nova. "Now, brandish that. Brandish that raspberry. Come on! Be as vicious as you like with it! Come on!"  
  
"Do you take me for an idiot?!?" Umi cried. "Throw the gun away first!"  
  
"I haven't got a gun," Nova said defensively.  
  
"Yes you have!"  
  
"I haven't!"  
  
"You have," Umi argued. "You shot Hikaru with it."  
  
"Oh," Nova said disappointedly, "THAT gun..."  
  
"Yes that gun. Throw it away!"  
  
"All right," nova says as she throws the gun across the room. "How to defend yourself against a raspberry, without a gun."  
  
"YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT ME!" Umi screamed.  
  
"I wasn't."  
  
"YOU WERE!"  
  
"I wasn't," Nova said, "Come on, come on you worm... You miserable little girl. Come at me then... come on, do your worst, you worm.  
  
Umi holds out the raspberry and runs at Nova. With a grin, Nova steps back and pulls a lever, causing a 16-ton weight to fall on Umi.   
  
"If anyone attacks you with a raspberry, simply pull the lever... and a 16-ton weight will drop on her head. I learnt that in Cephiro!  
  
"What if you haven't got a 16-ton weight?" asked Fuu.  
  
"Well," Nova says casually, "That's planning isn't it. Forethought."  
  
"How many 16-ton weights are there?" Fuu continues.  
  
"Look..." Nova yells. "Look, smarty pants, the 16-ton weight is just one way, JUST ONE WAY of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others."  
  
Fuu cocks her head. "Like what?"  
  
"You can shoot him."  
  
"Well," Fuu says, "What if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?"  
  
"All right clever bitch, all right clever bitch. You two, come at me with raspberries, there, a whole basket each. Come at me then. Come on!"  
  
"No gun?" Fuu asks.  
  
"No."  
  
"No 16-ton weight?" Fuu asks again.  
  
"No."  
  
"No pointed stick?" asks Lantis.  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"No rocks up in the ceiling?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then you won't kill us?" Fuu questions.  
  
"No, I won't kill you."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"I promise I won't kill you! Now are you going to attack me?"  
  
Fuu and Lantis glance at each other. "All right," they mumble.  
  
"Right!" Nova yells with triumph. "Now don't rush me! I'm going to turn my back. So you can stalk me, right? Come up as quietly as you can... right up behind me, then, in with the raspberries, right? Start moving!"  
  
Fuu and Lantis start to creep up behind Nova.  
  
"Now," Nova yells, "The first thing to do when you are being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries, is to... release the TIGER!  
  
Nova reaches over and presses a big red button on the wall. A tiger flashes past her at Umi and Lantis.   
  
"The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat," Nova says, while ignoring the roaring and screaming in the background, "Is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe, but the raspberries themselves! The tiger, however, does not like the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with the crocodile.  
  
Nova whips around suspiciously. "Right! I know you are there-lurking under the floorboards with your apples and prunes... now, the rest of you-I know you are hiding the walls with your cantaloupe. Well, I'm ready for you! I've wired myself up to two hundred tons of dynamite, and if any of you as much as tries anything we will all go up in smoke!   
  
-Silence-  
  
"I warned you... I WARNED YOU!!! Right! That's it!"  
  
-gym explodes-  
  
  
This was a really fun fic to write, probably because I can see Nova stomping around in a military uniform. The question is if you had fun reading it! Did you? Please write a review and tell me. I might do more of these Monty Python-Rayearth fics if I get support. I just wanted to test the waters.  
  
-Nova Forever!!!  



End file.
